Artemis Sauna Club Berlin Halenseestraße 32-36, 10711 Berlin 11 am ⋅ 5 am Seven Days a Week – In/Out privileges are ok 030 8904440 https://www.fkk-artemis.de/en/ Admission: 90 Euros; Service starts at 70 Euros for a half hour. Photos of Building and promotional material: RT here. I hope everyone has been well. My kine postings have been sporadic, where a combination of having a few friends in my back pocket and my, er, needs being more limited as I have gotten older have led to my lack of contributions here on Peru Tops. I haven’t written much of anything lately, so get ready for more words than you need. I was on the tail-end of a month-long European trip (land, sea, air, train). Our last stop was Berlin, and I could not pass up a chance to visit FKK Artemis; I have been reading about it for years. Where do I begin? The beginning, I suppose. I pay my admission fee, get my robe, and I am heading towards the changing rooms. As I get halfway inside, I see the captain of some Eastern European Lingerie Football Team (except just wearing a towel), walking some guy out and saying, “Thanks. Have a good wedding.” My kind of place. Photos of Lobby and House Rules: After changing into my robe (two lockers, a small one for money and a larger one for clothes – same wristband opens both), I toured the facilities. The place is HUGE… the lower level sported a swimming pool, two saunas (60 and 90 degrees), a massage area (professional, done by men), a jacuzzi, loungers around the pool, and a bar area with a bunch of couches for hanging out. The other half of the lower level sported a small cinema with porn on a loop, 5 or 6 small bedrooms, in case you couldn’t make it to the 2nd floor to get it on and a gym. I saw laundry facilities as well (they go through a LOT of towels). The main floor boasted the locker/shower areas, a circular stairway leading up and down (with great sightlines for taking in the festivities, the Bar area (the 0nly place indoors where smoking is allowed), a second theater (with beds instead of couches) and a door to the Restaurant. If you pass through the restaurant, it takes you to the pool area, which had a pool (duh), a bar, more loungers, another jacuzzi, plenty of open space and seating, and another small building beyond the pool that holds yet another sauna, something that might be offices and a post-pool shower area. Back to the main bar. It was your standard strip-club layout… a large bar, a few stages (didn’t see any dancing, mostly the girls used them as benches, and PLENTY of couch areas. Think Adelita’s in Tijuana, except 50% bigger, a little darker, ten times nicer, and couches instead of tables. If you’ve been in any of the larger, higher-end strip clubs in the USA that Motley Crüe sang about, you’ve been in this room before (except for the theater, the exit to the restaurant, and, well, the girls). I arrived Sunday evening, May 14, around 6 pm, and there was (I guessed) around 50 girls. Granted, looks are subjective, but I would have scored 85% of them in the 7-8 range, a few 9s, and about 10% in the slightly, er, chunkier category. Of the 85% that I found acceptable, you had types ranging from girl-next-door, to hard-core hooker, to the ones with the large fake boobs and super-enhanced lips. Pretty much something for everyone. And they were almost all bare-assed naked. A few had panties on, and many had the thing that would hold up garters around their waists, if indeed they had stockings or garters. They all had towels with them, so they didn’t have to sit naked on the furniture. Apropos of nothing, but I just remembered: when I was sitting at the bar, I got a look in a mirror, and I look damn good in a robe. At the bar, soft drinks, juices and coffee drinks are free, alcohol costs 10 Euros per drink (you buy drink tickets at reception). I grabbed a soda, went down to the sauna for a bit (my Florida skin really needed some humidity, so that helped), then checked out the rest of the facilities. By 8 pm, there were WAY more than 100 girls there – the looks ratio stayed the same as earlier. Most would give you a look and a smile as you passed by, maybe say hello. But that was it – any further discussion had to be initiated by me. Except, of course, for the hard-core hookers and the less classically-attractive girls – they were very upfront with their pitches. And the pitches were all the same: 70 Euros for a half hour in a room upstairs (or right there on the couch, or in the movie room, or in the sauna, or pretty much anywhere on premises except the dining room). After that, there was a menu, with uniform pricing, including BBBJ for an additional 20, cum in mouth for 50, and the like. One girl rattled off virtually anything two adults can do with their clothes off, but I don’t remember what she priced those things at. Additional 30 minutes were 70 Euros, and pricing for 2 girls was simply double. No room fee or anything like that. I was loving life; this place was fun. After a few hours, I realized that I could take in the atmosphere all night, but there was work to get done, so I started shopping in earnest. I wound up with a 23-year-old wisp of a girl from some Eastern European country. Nothing enhanced, just a pretty, friendly girl. Her English was on the lower side of average there, but there was enough for us to talk. Up to the room we went. The room was clean, and had a bed, couch, chair, lots of felt on the walls, and MANY rolls of paper towels. Many. She laid some towels on the bed (I am guessing that the sheets don’t get changed as often as one would hope), robe (me) and shoes (her) came off, and we got down to business. Maybe she wasn’t the most enthusiastic partner, but everything happened that I wanted to happen (without complaint), and she took my limited directions (“I like that, do it more” or “OK, turn over now” or whatever) and complied willingly. She wasn’t in a rush, but didn’t dawdle, either. When we (well, I) were done, we laid around and I answered questions about the USA for a bit, put on our robe and shoes (she wrapped herself in a towel – kind of the signal that this girl is off the market until she rinses my slobber off of her), and went downstairs to the area with the smaller lockers. I got 90 Euros out of my wallet, she smiled, thanked me, kissed me on the cheek, and went into the girl’s locker room. The girls 0nly accept cash – there’s ATM machines there if you get carried away. I was able to pay for my admission with a card, but drink tickets are cash 0nly, I think. For the Dinner Buffet, there was a nice-looking salad bar, a hot section with two proteins (they changed during the night), rice, and (I think) Spätzle. And a couple of unremarkable dessert options. Everything I tasted was OK, but I certainly wouldn’t buy a plane ticket to Europe just to have dinner at Artemis. In a related note, I wouldn’t buy a plane ticket to Germany to have dinner… nothing in my few days here was bad, but nothing was very interesting, either. Italy, however… that’s another story. I hung out for a bit after eating, but I had a tour in the morning, so I showered, got dressed, and Uber-ed back to the hotel. There was nobody to tip, nor was anyone expecting a tip. Aside from the 90 Euros that I gave to my girl and admission, that’s all I spent. This was $200 very well-spent. I thought that the facilities were excellent (my point of reference are the Banos Turcos in Lima, and these are MUCH nicer and elaborate than even the non-sexual ones in Peru), but I was talking to one German guy in the sauna (they all speak some English), and he said that this place pales in comparison, facilities-wise to ones in other parts of Germany. He preferred the girls elsewhere, too, he said. But that’s very subjective. Like him, I pass on the fake boobs, enhanced lip girls, but there were plenty of women there that met my criteria. But even the ones that I wouldn’t pick offered plenty to keep my eyes busy. Getting there was pretty easy. It is in Charlottenburg, which is a nice part of town (from my few days in Berlin, it seems like everywhere is a nice part of town), and was an 8 Euro Uber ride from my hotel. If you’re staying by the Brandenburg Gate area, it will be around 16 Euros. I used the app FreeNow, it works just like Uber. Taxis are easily available, but they are around 70-100% more expensive than ride sharing apps.